ATM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is
installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash
without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested
to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research,
MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps
for your gender:
MALE
PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE
PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Well Sulio's boss thinks for a
minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know
Tom Selleck!" Sulio says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts
together when we were kids!" but Sulio's boss says "No you
weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to
Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Sulio knocks on the door and Tom
Selleck answers and Sulio goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes
"Sulio!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss
can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just
one person," so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick somebody
else!"
This time Sulio's boss has someone
in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!"
but Sulio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in
college!" Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Sulio says
"Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the
President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until
Sulio get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and
the President waves "Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug
and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it.
But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that
doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and
Sulio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know
them!"
And Sulio's boss knows just who to
pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Sulio says
"The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Sulio's boss says "No he
didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where
the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work
their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss,
we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you
what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows
you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and
waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the
balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!
Shortly afterwards, Sulio's boss
passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and
says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks
"Boss what happened?" Sulio's boss looks at Sulio and says "OK,
I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton...hell, I can even take the Pope!
But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Sulio?'
that's a little more than I can take!
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am
within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup
holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my
computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped,
it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade
show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer; I don't know
anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because
he couldn't stand it.
The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM
drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
A man goes up to a stock broker says, "I want to open a
so-and-so trading account!"
Blanching, the lady replies, "Excuse me, sir, what did
you just say?"
"Listen you, dag-nab it, I said I want to open a
trading account this instant!"
"Pardon me, sir, but we do not stand for that sort of
talk in this institution!"
The stock broker leaves her desk and goes to her boss and
tells him about her predicament. They both come back to her desk where the boss
asks the man, "Is there a problem, sir?"
"I don't have a dang problem," the man says,
"I just inherited 100 million and I want to open a so-and-so trading
account with this blankety-blank brokerage!"
"I get the picture sir," the boss says, "and
this wench of a broker is causing you a problem?"
He and a friend go duck hunting in
winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the
lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto
the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural
landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.
In order to make a hole large enough
to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going
to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the
nw Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.
Now, these two Rocket Scientists do
take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the
ice at a location far from where they are standing (and from the new Navigator
truck), and they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they
run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting
blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they
can.
Remember a couple of sentences back
when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??
Let's talk about the dog: it's a
highly trained Labrador used for RETRIEVING. Especially well trained at
retrieving things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a
high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the
burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell,
scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps
coming.
One of the guys grabs the shotgun
and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough
to stop a Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on.
Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and
of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog
takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck..
The men continue to yell as they run
away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops
the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.
Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to
bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two
idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened"look
on their faces.
The insurance company says that
sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He
still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!
And you thought your day was not
going well.
(Thanks Robert)
Q: Where can guys over 65 find
youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?
A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.
Q: How can a guy cope during his
wife's menopause?
A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can
remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to
live.
Q: How can a woman raise the heart
rate of her 65+ year old spouse?
A: She should tell him she's with child.
Q: What can an older woman do for
the wrinkles on her neck?
A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging
"weights" will take out the wrinkles.
Q: How can older people remember
where they parked their cars?
A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your
car is.
Q: Do older people have problems
storing their short term memories?
A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from
storage.
Q: Do older people have deeper
sleep?
A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the
afternoon
Q: Where can older people find
prescription eye glasses?
A: On top of their heads.
Q: What is the most often used
sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?
A: 'Gee, I have one of these.'
"A young family moved into a
house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned
up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old
daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and
spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew,
all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind
of project mascot."
They chatted with her, let her sit
with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do
here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they
even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to
her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the
bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had
come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied,
"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house
next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious,"
said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week,
too?"
The little girl replied, "I will,
if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..."
(Thanks Joe)
A small town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly
woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Yes, I do know
you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a rising big shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing
what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do
you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I
do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit
him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's
lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the
entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the
courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet
voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me,
you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"
3 men are stranded in the middle of the Canadian Forest and
they don't know where they are at. They decide that they have to find some
food. So the first man leaves and tells the other 2 that he is going to get
some food.
Several Hours later, he comes back with a deer over his
shoulder. The other 2 are amazed and ask him how he got a deer with no weopans.
He replies, " I find tracks, i follow tracks, i get deer". They both
are slightly confused but let it go.
1 week later, they have eaten the deer, so they need to get
more food. The second guy leaves and says that he is going to get food. He
comes back a couple hours later with a elk over his shoulder. The other 2 ask
how he got the elk. He simply replies, "I find tracks, i follow tracks, i
get Elk".
5 days later, they have eaten the elk, so they need more
food. The third guy, feeling very cocky, thinks to himslef, " This is
going to be a piece of cake. The other guys got the other animals so easy. I'm
going to get an animal better than their's put together!". So he leaves to
get some food. They wait a couple hours... he doesn't come back. They wait
another couple hours, he is still missing.
Finally, after 9 hours of waiting, they see him coming back.
His clothes are torn rags, he is covered in dirt with scrapes and bruises all
over his body. He is bleeding from different gashes in his arms and legs along
with one on the side of head. They ask, " What happened!". He looks
at them, wide-eyed and confused, and replies, " I find tracks, I follow
tracks, i get hit my train".
(Thanks Boyd)
There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of
his money. He was a real miser when it
came to his
money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died,
he said
to his wife,
"Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in
the casket with
me. I wanna
take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him
with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket
with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched
out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest
friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready
to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she
came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked
the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't
crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
"Yes," the wife said,
"I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was
going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put
every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did. I got it all
together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
(Thanks Jessica)
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster
than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He
sveered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend
was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I
don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it
up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver.
Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over
to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's
stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs
replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
(Thanks Madison)
Every night, Harold would go down to
the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched
TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to
the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by
the collar and threw him across the room, and left.
The next night, after he finished
his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.
He walked slowly to the door and
found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in
the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished
his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing
there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled
over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Harold didn't drink
at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the
snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Harold went to
see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "
" What can I do? " he
pleaded.
" Not much " he doctor
replied. " There's just a nasty bug going around."
This guy goes to a bar that's on the
tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands
up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the
window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having
that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to
certain death.
However, just as he is about to hit
the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself,and lands
gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two
men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then
repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy
returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps
and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really.
There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can
right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded
to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to
try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all
over the ground.
Meanwhile, the first guy has made it
back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says
"Superman, you can be a real ------- when you're drunk!"
There was a man who one day didnt feel like going to church
so he decided to go hunting instead.
He was out in the bush when he was aproched from behind by a
bear. He dropped his gun by accident but didnt bother to pick it up.
He ran for his life. Weaving in and out the trees with the
bear on his trail. Curving around a tree he triped over its root.
He looked up and the bear looked down. The bear was about to
strike at him. He put his hands together and prayed:
"Dear lord, Please let this bear be a christian."
the bear sat down on its bum and held the mans hands, closed
his eyes and said: "Dear lord, Thankyou for the food that i am about to
recieve"
Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua)
when they say to each other "I'm thirsty." They see a nearby bar and
walk up to it.
Unfortunately, there was a sign on the door that said NO
DOGS. They thought for awhile to try to figure out what they should do with no
luck. Suddenly, the man with the doberman said, "I have an idea! Do what I
do."
The man put on his sunglasses, walked up to the door and
tried to get in but a big muscular man stopped him. "Where do you think
you're going?" asked the big man. "This is my seeing-eye dog."
said the man hoping for good feedback. "Alrighty mister, go right
in." said the big man. The doberman man walked in.
The second man slipped his sunglasses on and did the same as
the first man. "Where are you going?" asked the big man. "I'm
going into the bar, this is my seeing-eye dog." he said. "A
chihuahua?" asked the big man with suspicion. The other man, playing his
part yelled, "They gave me a chihuahua!?"
One weekend a lawyer from New York decided to go bird
hunting in Vermont. The lawyer drove to Vermont and found a good hunting spot
near a farm. The lawyer sees a bird, shoots it and watches fall to the ground
on the other side of the barns fence.
The lawyer, thinking to himself that's my bird I have to go
get it, climbs the fence retrieves the bird and climbs back. Just as he gets
back over the farmer comes up to him and says, "give me my bird." The
lawyer says to him " your bird no no no I shot this bird it is mine."
"No" says the farmer,"it landed on my
property it is mine." "Look" says the lawyer, "I am a
lawyer, I will sue you , you will lose and I will get the duck."
"No" says the farmer, "that's not how we do it here in Vermont,
we use the three kick rule."
"Ok" says the lawyer, how does that work?"
"I kick you three times as hard as I can, than you kick me as hard as you
an three time and we keep going until one of us gives up."
"Fine" says the lawyer, "let's go." "I'll go
first" says the famer. So the famer kicks layer as hard as he can in the
groin.
And just as lawyer is bent over in pain the famer kicks him
right in the face. now just as the lawyer is thinking what did IU get myself
into the farmer kicks him in the stomach. after the lawyer gets over the
agonizing pain he says ok now it's my turn. No the farmer says, "I quit
you can have the duck."
(Thanks
One Sunday morning, the pastor
noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer
of the church.
It was covered with
names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring
at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and
said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied
the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex
asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to
all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together,
staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling
and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the
11:15?"
(Thanks Alex)
A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.
"How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the
front of the building?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out a fire hose and start spraying it,
chief." answered the new firefighter.
"How would you react if another fire flared up in the
back of the building?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out another fire hose and start spraying it,
chief." answered the new firefighter.
"And if another huge fire flared up in the basement,
how would you react?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out another fire hose." answered the new
firefighter.
"Now wait a minute, son," said the fire chief.
"Where are all these fire hoses coming from?"
The new firefighter answered, "The same place where all
of the fires are coming from, chief."
Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using
a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men
enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers
begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a
little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the
people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will
plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the
plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little
sheepishly, and soon all retreat into t heir magazines, secure in the knowledge
that the pl ane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other
and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late
and we're all gonna die."
A man calls a company and orders
their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the
door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can
catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes
off after her.
A few miles later huffing and
puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next
four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself
and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders
their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the
door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in
his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok
running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you
can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her
like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and
he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same
routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day
when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as
promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls
the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the
representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies,
"I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the
door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing
nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I
catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.
(Thanks Barbie)
A tough looking biker had been in the biker bar for quite
some time when he finally decided it was time, once again to hit the road. He
stepped through the front door of the bar and instantly realized that his bike
had vanished from the spot he had parked it.
"All right" he said loudly, coming back into the
busy biker bar "I'm going to have a shot of whisky and if my hog isn't
back up front by the time I'm done, what happened in Detroit will happen here
too!"
With that many of the bikers ran out of the bar and within
moments one came back to tell the tough biker that his hog was now parked in
front of the bar for him. When the tough guy started to leave the bartender
asked him.
"Pardon me, stranger, but what happened in
Detroit?"
The tough biker replied casually: "I had to walk back
to my hotel!"
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